It has been two years since I have found my way around my own personal darkness, a seemingly black hole that did not allow light to shine through. I allowed myself to be isolated and lonely. I say that I allowed myself because I am ultimately responsible for my own personal happiness. Two years is a very long time for one to sink into such darkness but there I was, sad, lonely and miserable. I had forgotten my own words, my own thoughts of light and when I came to back to my site I was surprised at my own written words of encouragement. Where had this once strong, positive woman gone? The cause of my pain?
At only 46 years- old my husband has been unofficially diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia. This is a form of dementia that can occur in the younger population and is a terminal illness. The changes in my husband have been quite difficult to witness and I have found myself challenged in ways that I never imagined I would. Finding compassion and understanding in hurtful behaviors has been the biggest fight of my life. In the middle of crisis I had retreated into the comfort of darkness, rarely going anywhere outside of work and home. I found myself feeling bitter and quite sorry for myself. It is really ok. I have every right to feel robbed of the life I had. I have every right to feel emotionally compromised but what is important is that I do not pack my bags to stay in this extreme state.
When darkness falls allow yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself time to feel your emotions and journey toward acceptance. Try not to allow yourself to get so lost in the darkness that once you find the light, the sands of time have taken away precious years.
When darkness falls, turn on the light.