Why would I write a dark story about my life and the challenges that I have faced when this blog is supposed to focus on lifting spirits and finding the light? I am witness that adversity can bring strength and wisdom and it is my hope that after reading my story that you will find strength within yourself to triumph in the darkest of hours just as I have…
Very few seem to talk about what it is like for a child who knew his or her parent to suddenly become part of another world, when you are not adopted as a newborn, you become part of the matrix. You swallowed the blue pill and are wise to the truth, you have fleeting memories of what your life used to be. You go about your life but it is like someone else is in control of the outcome and it doesn’t seem like it belongs to you. When you are adopted you are even given a birth certificate that states that you were born to your adoptive parents and your entire existence becomes a socially acceptable lie.
I would like to write and tell you this beautiful story about a young orphan who went on to live a wonderful life, who felt her life was a happy one, I did not, and it was not. It wasn’t that good times did not occur, it is just that the good times were overshadowed by the harsh criticism and physical punishment that was routinely placed upon me. It seems as though I spent much of my childhood “grounded” or placed on restriction. There was a vast void in my life that could not be filled, a part of me that seemed incomplete and I went through my early years feeling frustrated and awkward. Children do not come with user manuals and parents are not required to obtain a license to possess a child, a wicked combination to say the least. I tried hard to behave because the alternative was to be taken back to the orphanage. In spite of the challenges with adjusting to my new surroundings, I did not want to go back to the abuse of the orphanage. I would rather suffer the agonizing sting of my new parents black leather belt then face the alternative. I lived in fear of being returned and of being replaced with “the little blond girl”as was threatened to me when my parents wanted me to conform. While I was young, I was so jealous of a “little blond girl” that I had never seen, I just knew my family seemed to want her more than they wanted me. It was apparent to me that perhaps my new parents had made a critical mistake.
I grew up feeling exceptionally lonely and often times unwanted. I am certain no one adopts a child with the intention of making them feel unloved but the reality is that not all adoptees fit into the mold in which society places them in. I was adopted by uneducated parents who weren’t capable of understanding that perhaps I would need some sort of counseling to cope with loss and separation. There was no guidance, no intervention and I routinely found myself in difficult situations. I had a choice in life to sink or swim and I chose the latter.
This was my vacation.
~The Possibilitarian’s Light